I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize