this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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