September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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