Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
