I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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