Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
