One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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