I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
