Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
