Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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