my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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