My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
