You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
