This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
