so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
