I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
