I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
