I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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