anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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