toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Pooping to opera.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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