Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Two words: blizzard sex
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
