Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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