I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
