You just made me feel so damn special
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
