I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize