Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
