I think im going to throw up on grandma
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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