I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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