well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
