I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
