I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
