I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
