You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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