I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
