Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
