How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
