we're blogging at a bar
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
