You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
