Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
