She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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