Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
