i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
there is glitter all over my balls
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