Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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