after a month anything with tits is on the radar
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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