I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
