just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I enjoy the company of your penis
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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