Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
