New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
