I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
