Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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