Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Be still, my beating vagina.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
