At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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