awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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