wrigley field is MILF paradise
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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