Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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