And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Randomize
