This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
