I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
