Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize